This week we’ll tackle your inner critic by discovering where it can stem from and what you can do to overcome it. This episode will help you to cultivate a more positive self-talk and embrace your imperfections, because you deserve to be spoken to with kindness; and that starts with how you talk to and about yourself, mama!
If you want more support to challeng your inner critic, then the Calm Resilient Mama Project, my 1-on-1 coaching program, is a great opportunity for you, because it’ll help you to reduce your negative self-talk, your stress levels and your never-ending to-do-list.
Transcript:
“Welcome to the Calm Resilient Mama Podcast. I’m Cindy Graham-Schmidt. I’m a Life Coach and mama of two. On this podcast I share with you coaching tools and tips to help you deal with challenges that life and motherhood throw at you. I will help you to enjoy your life more TODAY, because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.
Hey mama,
How are you?
Today I want to talk about a topic that affects so many (if not all) of us; and that’s negative self-talk.
Negative self-talk is so to say that voice in your head that criticises you, belittles you, and makes you question your abilities and your decisions both as a mum and as a person in general. It's important to understand what it is before we can actually tackle this mean inner critic effectively. Negative self-talk can show up in the form of self-doubt, guilt, or feelings of not enoughness. For example, it might tell you that you're not good enough, that you’re not doing enough, or that you’re falling short in some other way.
Negative self-talk often comes from societal pressure and the unrealistic expectations placed on us mums, because we are constantly exposed to images of 'perfect' motherhood and the perfect family. That creates a standard that is simply impossible to achieve. Insert the “perfect mother myth”. You can go back to episode 13, if you want to learn more about that term.
So on top of all that, our own past experiences and insecurities can amplify this negative self-talk. And when I say “past experiences”, I don’t just mean your own experiences as a mum, but also about the experiences of other mother figures in your life and from your past. It can all have an effect on your own journey and on what you expect of yourself as a mum.
As mums and primary caregivers, we juggle so many responsibilities - caring for our children, managing the household, trying to maintain a career, personal pursuits, and also a social life. We tend to compare ourselves to other mums and imagine that they do a much better job than us, so we try to do everything perfectly, keep up with them and feel like we’re failing when we are not able to do that.
At this point, I also want to mention that just because someone seems to carry it well doesn’t mean that it’s easy for them, that it’s not heavy or that they don’t struggle. Maybe they’re just better at hiding what’s really going on and to be honest I don’t think that’s necessarily a good thing. So next time you find yourself comparing yourself to another mum, don’t assume that they’re doing a better job than you or that things are easier for them. We’re all in this together and on our own journeys; and maybe you showing up as your authentic self with all your challenges, imperfections AND your wins (don’t forget them); maybe that will help another mum to feel safe to do the same.
Ok that was a bit of a sidetrack. Now back to all of those expectations that our brains have created in our heads and all the ideal scenarios of what our lives and we should look like and feel like. When those expectations don't match the real world and our real experiences, then negative self-talk shows up, because our brains want what they’ve been promised by those perfect images and the ideal scenarios that we had imagined. Only problem is that the negative self–talk, the shaming and blaming ourselves isn't going to get us where we want to be, because shaming yourself doesn’t work. It won’t magically make us more like the person that we had imagined ourselves to be. Negative self-talk won’t motivate us to go and change things for the better. Instead, it’s more likely that it’ll make us feel stuck and powerless and therefore create more of the same; more of what we don’t want.
Ok, so now that we’ve talked about where the negative self-talk comes from, let’s move on to what you can do about it when it shows up or even how you can make it show up less.
The first step, as often, is awareness. Learn to recognise when you're engaging in self-criticism. Often, we do it so automatically that we don't even realise it's happening. A tool that could help you recognise it better, could be a regular journaling practice.
And once you're aware that you’re judging or belittling yourself, challenge those negative thoughts. Ask yourself if they're based on facts; if they’re actually true; or if they’re just your harsh inner critic trying to undermine you, and your decisions, and your confidence. More often than not, you'll find that those thoughts are basically based on irrational fears, insecurities and “shoulds”.
Once you’ve recognised the mean voice in your head again, I’d like to invite you to try out having compassion for yourself. Acknowledge that the inner critic is there and choose to talk to yourself kindly instead. Talk to yourself as if you were your own best friend. Remind yourself that motherhood and life in general is a journey filled with ups and downs for us all, and it's okay to make mistakes along the way and that you don’t have to be perfect. You're doing your best, mama, and that is enough.
Remind yourself of those things every time you catch yourself being critical and judgemental of yourself. Become aware of how high the expectations are that you have for yourself and learn to adjust them or even let some of them go all together. You are your own person, with your own dreams,values and ideas. So set your expectations accordingly, be ok with getting it wrong and be kind to yourself always. This will help you to reduce the negative self-talk immensely in the long run.
I want this episode basically to be your reminder that nothing and noone is perfect and that motherhood is about love, care, and growth, both for you and your child. So embrace that journey.
And instead of comparing yourself to other mums, it could help you to genuinely connect with them instead and share your experiences. Build relationships with mums who understand what you're going through as that can be incredibly reassuring for yourself and for them. Seek support from them and offer support back. Having a genuine community of like-minded mums and people in general can make a huge difference in your life and in the way you talk to yourself, because it’ll help you to see that you’re not the only one who deals with challenges and setbacks. You can learn from each other, hold each other, move and grow through challenges together.
Remember, negative self-talk is a common struggle, but you now have the knowledge to challenge it and can learn to cultivate a more positive self-talk instead. So be kind to yourself, mamas, and embrace the beautiful imperfections that make you you.
And if you want support in challenging your inner critic, then the Calm Resilient Mama Project could be a great opportunity for you, because in there I don’t just share with you proven tips and tools to help you but you also get 1-on-1 coaching with me. I’ll be there for you when you need someone to listen to you and to help you put things into perspective. Together we can turn down the volume of your inner critic and make some other incredible supportive changes in your life.
So head to my website www.cindygrahamschmidt.com and check out the Calm Resilient Mama Project, because it’ll help you to reduce your negative self-talk, your stress levels and your never-ending to-do-list.
That’s it from me for today. Take care and I’ll talk to you next time.”