In this week’s episode, we dive into the world of parenting and dealing with kids' big emotions. I share my personal insights, including practical phrases and questions that have helped me stay calm and empathetic in challenging moments. Join me on this journey of navigating parenthood with compassion and resilience.
Do you generally want to focus on feeling more calm and resilient as a mama? Then check out my 1-on-1 coaching program, the Calm Resilient Mama Project. That’s where we focus on you and how you can meet your needs in order for you to be the mum that you want to be even in the challenging moments. Together we work on increasing your capacity to better deal with all the "fun" things that come with being a parent.
Transcript:
“Welcome to the Calm Resilient Mama Podcast. I’m Cindy Graham-Schmidt. I’m a Life Coach and mama of two. On this podcast I share with you coaching tools and tips to help you deal with challenges that life and motherhood throw at you. I will help you to enjoy your life more TODAY, because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.
Hey mama,
How are you?
I’ve been dealing with a lot of big emotions in the past few weeks; both my own and those of my children. We just moved into a new house a couple of weeks ago, my oldest just went back to school after the school holidays and my youngest just had her last day at her current daycare and is about to start at a new one. As you can see, there have been a lot of big changes and therefore also a lot of big emotions.
In those kinds of times, I make sure that I keep things as simple as possible for myself and for the kids. For example, I pay attention that I do not overload my calendar, I make a meal plan for the week, I outsource and take short breaks to calm myself and destress.
I do all those things, because I want to be a calm resilient mama, but I’m not going to lie; even when I do all those things, my kids still have tantrums and emotional outbursts. So if you feel like you’re doing all the right things and your kids still have big emotional releases, please know you’re not alone.
I mean we all have big emotions at times, but as adults we’re (hopefully) better able to handle them as our young children. Most of the time anyway.
That doesn’t mean that I have it all figured out and that I always stay calm when my kids lose it, because I don’t. And that’s ok. Nobody's perfect. Not me, not my kids and not you.
Now that we’ve had this disclaimer, I do want to say that I do always aim to stay calm though in those moments, as calm as possible anyway. And over the past 7 years I have learned a thing or two that work for me and my kids; and I thought it could be useful for you if I share a few phrases that I remind myself of when I deal with my kids releasing their big emotions. I also want to say that it’s completely normal for your kids to have those outbursts mainly or only with you, because you’re their safe space. Knowing this might also help you to better deal with those emotional releases.
Now let’s go straight to those phrases and questions I think of when my kids are having a hard time, which actually leads me straight to the first phrase:
“They’re not giving me a hard time; they’re having a hard time.”
Remembering this helps me to have more compassion for them and the challenges that they’re facing. It’s not really about me. It also stears me more towards problem solving and thinking about how I can help them to get their needs met.
The second phrase is simply “Deep breaths.”, because it literally helps me to focus on my breath, which helps my nervous system to calm down. Remember to breathe slowly, because otherwise it can have the opposite effect and encourage your fight or flight response and we don’t want that.
The third thing I try to remind myself of is that I can’t reason with them when they’re so angry. Their brain just isn’t capable of thinking clearly in those moments. It just isn’t developed enough. So I ask myself “What can I do to help and facilitate calmness?”. And the answers to that can be very different for every child. Once they have calmed down, it’s then easier to talk about what happened or what really bothers them.
The third phrase anchors me into my resilience and empathy. It’s: “I can deal with challenging things. They are still learning though.”
Sometimes we simply expect too much of our children. They grow up so quickly, but we need to remember that they’re still little. They just don’t have the emotional maturity and intelligence that we have as adults. So we can’t expect them to be all rational.
The next question is really important and I recommend you ask yourself this often and not just when your kids are acting out. “What do I need right now to manage my own emotions?”.
Our kids can sense when we’re stressed, tense and overwhelmed. They know when something is up and that can lead to them having big emotions too. So I want to encourage you to pay close attention to how you feel and how you can support yourself, because it’s only then that you can stay calm and support them. And by asking and answering that question for yourself you’re also being a good role model to your kids, because they learn by watching us.
The last phrase is more about repair and connection for the moments when you didn’t manage to keep your calm. When that happens, remind yourself “It's ok for me to apologise and take responsibility.”. Again, it’s about role modelling to your child that we all make mistakes and that it’s important to take responsibility when we do something wrong. You’re not giving in or being weak when you apologise for making a mistake. The opposite really, it takes courage, strength and self-reflection to apologise and actually mean it.
Try to remember that how you react in those challenging moments teaches your child how to deal with their frustrations and anger. Whether you like how you react in the moment or not, they will learn from you and from your actions. I’m not saying that to shame you. The opposite really. I hope it’ll help you to see that it’s all a learning opportunity; both for you and for your child.
And before I finish up there’s another thing that just came to my mind. Everytime I notice that things are starting to go a bit pear shaped, I ask myself if my kids might just be hungry or tired, because sometimes that’s all it is and there’s no deeper reason for them getting frustrated easily other than them being hangry.
I hope those phrases, questions and reminders help you to keep your calm more often when your child is releasing their big emotions on you.
And if you generally want to focus on feeling more calm and resilient as a mama, check out my 1-on-1 coaching program on my website cindygrahamschmidt.com, because that’s where we focus on you and how you can meet your needs in order for you to be the mum that you want to be, even in the challenging moments, even amidst the tantrums and meltdowns and fights. In just 7 weeks we can increase your capacity to better deal with all the fun things that come with being a parent. So if that’s what you want, and let’s be honest if you’re still listening to this episode, that is what you want, then reach out to me and let’s get started rather sooner than later.
That’s it from me for today. Take care and I’ll talk to you next time.”